Recent Entries

Current Mood: friendly
Current Location: My Chair
Current Music: Tokio ~ Mr. Traveling Man

Friends Only

Hello! You have stumbled upon my journal, the crazy mish mash of ideas and ramblings that I write from time to time. This journal is friends only;however, I love making new friends, but please only add me if we share interests and you like to comment every once in a while on the things I post.

If you are interested in my writing you can find all of my fics archived at

coloured_words or my fic comm (which I co-mod) :

musicaloddnotes

I no longer post fic on this journal.

Please note that I will not friend you back if you have a dead or empty journal. The only exception to this will be if I know you and we've talked often.

I know this may sound a little harsh and grumpy but this is my personal journal, and my personal life. I hope you can understand.

<3

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Canada

Entry tags:

But Why is it Still Snowing?

Well, I think it has been many weeks since I last let my brain vomit all over this place.

I don't know if I feel less panicked about life, or if my subconsious has just gotten betting at hiding said panic from myself. Perhaps my body didn't like losing 4lbs in a panic-fuled delieium. It just really wants me to be more active.

We have officially fallen into our COVID-19 "new normal." And yes, life really does; just go on. Though I wouldn't know for sure as part of keeping my metal health I haven't read the news in at least two weeks.

I am increasingly happy at the turning of the weather into something resembling Spring. Spring is my favoite season and I am excited that Beltain is only a month away. While it is still occassionally snowing, I would be dissapointed at this point if it didn't traditionally snow on my wedding anniversary at this point.

Taking bike rides when it seems like people are not out and about on the paths has become a guilty pleasure as of late, even if it means going out in the rain. Having a (modest) backyard has also become a luxury that I am very thankful to have, and am glad to be in the almost perfect space that is our house.

A lot of introspection has been happening, as is want to happen in times like these. Who I have been, who I am, and who I will become as I approach 40.

It's all a little cereal, just like this present time in which we are living

Current Mood: cynical
Current Location: Canada
Current Music: Crowder - Run Devil Run

Entry tags:

Welcome to the Thunderdome

I could do today over. There should be a reset button.

Yesterday was a better day. I promised myself I would stay away from reading the news and looking too hard at my social media pages. It worked and the curshing feeling of inevitable doom and almost constant panic attacks was lessoned. I managed to get a lot done.

I ordered produce from *hopefully* a safer outlet than the grocery store

I signed up to parking lot pick up my remaining food order at my local Walmart. This Walmart is where I worked for a little over a year, and I am happy to support the fine staff that work there. I will curtail my thoughts about being a Walmart employee, but, I will say, it's a hard gig, and most to all of the store employees deserve more than they get. I'm glad on-line orders go to the store you want to pick up at, and not into the genral pool.

I arranged for grocery drop-off from my friend to get the final things I would like to have that are unique to that store.

We're bottling wine, which I hope will not result in my death. I have some anxiety, but I'm giong to do it anyway

Today I looked at the news. I don't regert it. I tried not to linger, and I WONT go back for a second read.
I took the dog for a lunch time walk around our block, which seems to be a good time to avoid people during the week. I think I will shift my afternoon walk to an evening run which will enable me to see less people.

My fear is no less.
I still expect to get sick. I still expect to die. I will feel this overwhelming sinck hole until either a) this is over and we'll be ok or b) I do in fact die.

Today is the overwhelming crush of anixiety that this will never stop. That I will live in this fear forever. We will truely all come out of this with a new found collective ptsd and post pandemic trauma. I wonder how people historically dealt with this fear? This is not a new phenomenon, we are not discovering plague for the first time in our collective world history. Did people just accept it?

Now you see the reasons why history matters? History is intersting and important.
Whelp, for today I appear safe. Tomorrow I will enter the outside world to face the bombs.

Current Mood: drained
Current Location: Canada

Entry tags:

This is a War Zone

Participating in the world in scarry.
I wanted, should have written this yesterday when I was having my lowest low yet, but I just didn't. I will save those regrets for another day.

Just now the geese are flying overhead. A large flock, they are so loud. They remind me that life goes on. That there are millions of others just like me. Worried about there loved ones, themselves, their communities. Worried about money, food security, home security and everything elise we as humans worry about.

We as humans are fragile creatures, and we're luckly, or unlucky enough to be the most sentient being this planet has ever had. I suppose we're also lucky enough to have the hindsight of history. We're smarter, we live longer, we fight less. (promise). And I guess that's a little persepecive as well. I"m not saying I want to die, just that if this were 20AD I already would have - statistically speaking.

But I guess back to the task at hand. My yesterday was hard. My yesterday was the day where I miss the more hardened selfrelyant, cermudgenly old me. The one who was alone in the world and yeah I was ok with that. It's funny how finding people to love you changes your mindset.

And that makes me scared the most. That's really the curx of my yesterday. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting sick, I"m scared b/c i know I"ll probably be part of that statistic. The "dead" statistic. I've already beat the odds so many times. I'm thankful for the life I've had, but I don't want it to end.

I mean, no one really does right?

But now I'm scared for the people I love, for the people who love me. I don't want them to be without me. Is that selfish? Is that human nature?

I don't want to see my loved ones get sick, die. I need them too much, they are a part of me now. How do I reconcile that? Can I be alone again? Can I be the gypsie I used to be? I think I've forgotten what it's like to be alone. To live in that space of diassociation.

I have been wondering as of late if this is what it was like living during say, the Great War, in Europe. Afraid of leaving your house b/c you might get shot, rounded up, or otherwise killed. Relying on others to stay alive.

I think that's what this is.
A War

Current Mood: blah
Current Location: my desk
Current Music: 東方神起 - 주문ㅡMIROTIC | Powered by Last.fm

Entry tags:

life

sort of important.

Friends cut.

Don't mean to offend anyone. If you were removed it's because we don't talk anymore or we just don't have anything in common. I also deleted people who never update their journal or never have ever.

If you would like to contest this issue please leave me a comment so we can chat about it.

♥♥♥

Sharyn.